Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
We're using joints as your birthday candles
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
