i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
