Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
