my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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