Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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