is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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