I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
