My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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