the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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