Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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