living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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