I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
