I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Randomize