My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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