Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
