I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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