I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
