I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
