There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Randomize
