8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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