The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
