wakey wakey hands off snakey
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
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