i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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