my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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