You smell like stripper and shame
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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