weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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