just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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