I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
