I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
