So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
