She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
