vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
You made out with two different species that night
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
