You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I stole a fireplace last night.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize