My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
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