We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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