I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Randomize
