this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Randomize
