i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
