Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
