My balls are so social today.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
