Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
