he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Are we still banned from the library?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
