It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
