well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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