SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
