I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
