She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Sober January is a disaster.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
