I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Randomize
