You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize