Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Randomize