Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
