You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
