we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
