R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
