They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
