No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize