The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
