I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
