After last night, I could never be a politician.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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