Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
