dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Randomize