Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Randomize
