Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
