WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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