Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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