i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
