Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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