haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
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